I find more and more I am unable to sleep because I want to or because I need to sleep. Presently it’s 11:39 PM which although is not very late – I should be sleeping… I need to be awake at 5:45 AM tomorrow to report to my new position. Its at these silent lonely moments I can no longer block out thoughts or feelings. Perhaps I’m weak, and should not be giving in to them but alas there’s no escape. The frantic whirlwind of actives I plague myself with during the day to keep my mind distracted can only do so much. Usually I try to keep myself busy until I just pass out from exhaustion but unfortunately that doesn’t always agree with working a job during the day – even this is not a perfect solution. I find myself constantly dreaming about her, whether it be memories coming to life again in my dreams or just the way I feel things should be… it’s always there. You would think months would cure it, but I suppose it doesn’t – especially not when you love someone that much. So what can I do really? There’s no means of saving that, no means of starting anew – it’s tainted me, the definitive moment that has poisoned the well of my existence perhaps. The butterfly effect incarnate. I knew the risks involved when going in, I knew the odds – I’ve never been one to be scared by numbers so I went on. Though several variables that could not have been predicted or calculated ultimately doomed it all. I could not have taken into consideration that someone could be so… two faced perhaps? Was I a fool? Was I really loved? Questions constantly troubling me, an answer that no amount of time will ever derive a certain conclusion. I know the intention of this website is to express myself creatively, predominately comedic – but I’m a multifaceted person and I need a median to express myself frankly – obscured meanings in poems and songs, or even in little jokes don’t have the ability to comfort me as much as just coming out and saying it all. I can’t explain the situation I’m in, I’ve been achieving more and more success; I’m starting a new business but I’m reluctant to move ahead because I just can’t get over that void. I don’t know if it is possible for anyone to fill it. It was given away so freely, and then destroyed. Is anything damaged for good? Can’t anything be fixed? Philosophical questions lingering in my mind. Is it all just a state of mind? Sometimes I wonder if I would have been better of never venturing down that trail – but then, if I hadn’t I’d be pondering the converse… should I have tried? I’ve analyzed over and over again all of the possible scenarios, but the outcome is just as unpredictable as what happened anyhow. A barrier now built, impermeable and in destructive. Despite minor attempts… can anything be done? Should anything be done? So everyone has heard ‘it is better to loved and lost than to never have loved at all’ – really? Well I’m not convinced but I suppose I can’t know the opposite. Sure I’ve gone through heartbreak before – who hasn’t? It’s the betrayal that I feel, the betrayal I met with betrayal. Regrettably stooping to that level, but alas – no harm done… What a luxury to be comfortable in lying. If I am fully aware of this, then why can I not stop loving her? And this, is precisely why I am awake – what I’ve been ranting on. What follows me wherever I go. Who has a solution? Everyone’s got solutions but who has answers? For an answer to be a definitive answer then there must be no further questions on the answer itself – if an answer is questionable then is it really an answer? Not to me, no. For those of you who have followed my thought process I thank you, and those who tried I thank you as well. I apologize that I’ve resorted to using this as a means to express my inner workings but I am paying monthly for it so I suppose I’m entitled to once in a while. Well… I’ve expelled my thoughts, feeling only a little better about things… Now I shall just lay here awake staring at the ceiling as I’ve been doing for months now… good night.

- Ryan