- and now you know!

I thought I would take the opportunity to lighten up things since I haven’t written anything ‘funny’ in a while and most of you who are stumbling upon my site via stumble upon… obviously, are stumbling for humor more than likely and then you see this and are like wtf… I see nothing funny, unless you happen to scroll down which would have taken a few extra seconds but you would have seen more humerous entries and then would have been like… oh jee whiz I see, I see. However, I’m fairly certain most of you did not hence the necessity for this post. Now then, with all seriousness aside I’d like to entertain with a comedic commentary on every day things that bug the crap out of me. Without further adieu here we go.

10.) People who misspell words, often… then feel it is their duty to correct you when you typo.
Excuse me jackass, I’ve merely typoed one word versus your seven trillion unintentional misspelled words you don’t even know you’re spelling wrong using the wrong there/their/they’re/your/you’re (most frequently) and so on.

9.) How shall I put this… heavier people being mean to the cashiers in a fast food restaurants.
You would be absolutely amazed how many times I see this – especially in Amherst where time is money. So many bitter people at the poor Wendy’s employees doing their best just to make a living… It isn’t their fault you are 80 pounds over weight, and feel like if you don’t gain another 5 pounds from the 3 double cheese burgers you just ordered the world will be destroyed in a cataclysmic wave of fire and brimstone!

8.) Morons. Simple as that. Allow me to elaborate.
Uhhh… that George Bush is so stupid *scratches ass* yep.
Okay, so why? Because your friend said so. Because he lied? I hear that one a lot let me ask you something. If you are not sure what colour the sky is on a certain day, perhaps a overcast day and someone responds to you by saying blue because it is most likely but they are not sure – are they lying? No. Not only this but people whose lives are as mundane as – Hey Ryan- did you see that episode of (insert lame ass reality show here) last night? No jackass, I am too busy trying to be a part of reality. Quit asking.

7.) People who cannot pronounce simple words for instance, library as libarry – specific, as pacific just to name a few. That’s all I have on this one.

6.) When I’m going for a walk, why do people feel the need to rev their engines in front of me?
Does it look like I keep a score card in my ass pocket and am going to write a 9.5 and hold it up so you can feel good about yourself… What I wish I had was an empty forty and stealth abilities so I could huck it at your piece of shit car and then vanish.

5.) People who sing songs casually while doing work but sing the wrong lyrics.
Has anyone else ever noticed this… like for instance, I freaking hate fall out boy but I’ll hear people singing it to themselves and I just want to slap them because the words they are saying do not even fit together in a proper sentence, just because it is impossible to understand what they are saying does not excuse you for being an idiot.

4.) Preapproved credit card offers.
For the love of God capital one leave me alone. By sending 2 a day I am not more likely to accept. My credit is not that great so quit freaking bothering me. All it makes me want to do is bundle like 30 pieces of hate mail and then send them to your return address telling you to shove foreign objects up various openings. If you work for capital one, or any of those other stupid places and happened to find this – please get someone to stop sending me that crap.

3.) “Courtesy Calls” – aka trying to sell me shit.
Why is it a courtesy call to interrupt what I am doing and fumble over your own words as I clearly demonstrate how unimpressed I am with what you have to say. I mean, I used to try to be friendly and sometimes even hear them out before hand but seriously… it’s getting a little bit old now. What is worse are like my banks… yes I bank with you, no I do not want to participate in a survey… can’t you send me that crap in an e-mail so my google mail can filter it as spam and then it will never meet my eyes?

2.) Door to door religious people.
Yes, thanks for stopping by – you’ve totally opened my eyes and after a 2 minute conversations and a crappy little manual I am ready to take the leap and become a Mormon. Do you see the insanity of this technique? Jehovah’s witnesses as well… I mean I am tolerant and all but when you start to bug me I suddenly have less and less respect for you being able to practice whatever you wish. I am a Christian but I do not go around door to door handing out crap. Perhaps if I were to go door to door smoking a cigar, handing out pamphlets I could actually persuade some of those fanatical Christians to not take themselves so seriously. Be good people, but live life.

1.) People who do one mile above or below the speed limit on an open road.
Look, I am not a man who likes to speed but if there is an open road you should not need to be prompted to go a bit faster or get out of my way. If you cannot see the fact that I keep hooking out to look around you to see if my doom is coming on in the form of a massive semi, you should not be driving at all. Move off to the side and go about your Sunday drive. I have places to go and people to see.

That’s all I have… hopefully you can relate.