Hello everyone, it has been a few days – much has changed. I do not even know where to begin, essentially I have won the main battle of my life – while there remains a few more things to do, it basically is done. So then why do I feel so wrestles? Why am I so stressed? In fact, most of my stress is now gone. I trust that the situation is on the verge of resolution. There is nothing left to do, everything stands out in the open exposed now to all who wish to see it. So, with all of this hanging in the balance it would be wise of me to wait it out. Unfortunately, time is not something I have to give as freely now. As of yesterday, I am on the payroll of the US Government set to leave the financial realm and set out on what will likely be an adventure. Though some do not view it in the light they should, it really should be treated as that. I will be leaving New York in a month and a half or so and headed to San Antonio to begin. After the first step – if all is as I expect, I will come back and retrieve my Dummy from this dreary region provided she is ready. This isn’t the end of me by any means, it is four years I probably would have sat around being confused about what I really wanted to do. My biggest fear is to wind up a loser in my mid twenties, unaccomplished and uncertain. Though I have a very good job now, there has to be more out there than this. I am determined to find it. I expect it will be a challenge, I will work physically first then I will work my mind to a level I’ve not worked it in a long time. The time will go by fast, and even faster still if my most adored person of all time meets up along the way. Either way, we will correspond daily.

That is why I am taking a half day off. I am leaving in six mintues, yay! I have no idea what to write anymore, I start to type something and then backspace it because of whatever – I type the reason then I backspace that. I am so ready to leave New York, it is getting cold. I went for my usual walk last night and drank some green tea, it was super cold… 39 degrees is not for me. My legs got like itchy cold, as if frostbite were just starting to get a taste for my flesh. I am not a cold weathered creature. I never have been, I spend my winters inside muttering obscenitie at the coldness. I liked snow boarding but it is so damn cold, if only it could be like 70 and I could snow board then I think I would really love it. I have a stomach ache, I forgot to eat this morning – actually just decided sleeping 15 more minutes was far more critical for me. Hmmm. Well, I guess that is all for now… perhaps I will write more later.

- Ryan

I have a bad headache this morning. I’m not sure why, perhaps it is just anxiety – the way things are and the short amount of time I have remaining here. I am running my cousin’s laptop to my mom’s house so my Aunt can come pick it up… it wasn’t working and no one had his password to get into it so I had to hack it and then fix it. She is going into the hospital for surgery… I am praying everything goes well – but she wanted it so she can talk to my cousin who is currently in Austria for the semester doing his study abroad. Lucky duck. I haven’t seen him in a long time either, we were best friends growing up and only ever wanted to go to family functions to play ninja turtles or spy or whatever other games we could come up with. It is weird to see time pass by. My dummy is off to Canada to pick up a dog later on (I should have probably told her we have dogs in America) – hopefully that goes well for her and it isn’t some hybrid wolf dog that tries to chew her leg off because that would be zero fun. Off I go, have a swell day everyone minus one.

- Ryan

For the unworthy who will attempt to get a Nintendo Wii… Take heed:

I’m quite tired but I figured I would post an entry now that I’ve banned that pesky asshat. So, I am at a very uncertain point of my life… regardless of what is – I am resolving this all by this upcoming Wednesday. I need to leave New York, ASAP. I am suffocating here, but – the problem is I love someone very dearly and hate to leave without them. So bring them with you right? Not as simple as that. Though there is a specific asshat currently being pesky and standing just a bit in the way – he’s on his way out. We’ve discussed warmer locations, mainly just one place. Charleston, my favourite city I’ve ever been to. I was happy when it came up as her number one place on findyourspot.com, as it is mine and I’ve been there and loved it. So, this is one option… maybe. The other is joining the Air Force, and that is the end all. Next Wednesday if we’ve not made a definitive conclusion on what we’re doing I am just enlisting and then I would be off to San Antonio within a month to begin training. I have a lot of anxiety right now like I’m not doing anything and I need to get away. While I want to get away with the one whom I love above all else. There is a complication that needs to be dealt with and my patience is beginning to fade, and while the situation is beginning to disintegrate, it is not fast enough for my liking. It has been causing a lot of stress and I am glad to be getting it out. I’ve been very occupied trying to figure out what I am going to do. My resume has been getting hit on monster.com like a bleeding twelve year old in shark infested water, so it isn’t like I am restricted. I’ve had about 20 views in the past 4 or 5 days which is awesome. I may not have stuck out the college route at this point in my life, but I’ve gone ahead and advanced professionally an enormous amount and that speaks just as loud as a degree. My experience has basically lead me through all sorts of IT related work, business and retail banking, foreign exchange in several markets and many other side projects I’ve picked up along the way (www.cellardoor-solutions.com). I know I could find a job easily but I have been so indifferent about what I am going to do with myself. The Air Force will give me 4 years to figure it out and give me some sort of direction and an even more advanced skill set. While I’ve advanced quite a bit professionally and am an upper level employee for the world’s largest financial institution making decent pay, it isn’t what I want in life. What do I want? Hmm… I’m not sure, something that makes me feel satisfied and accomplished. A challenge that can be fun. Oh, and of course her. I suppose at this point I shall retreat for the evening into sleep… I’ve been having lucid dreams a lot lately, it is interesting how they come and go – anyhow, good night.

- Ryan