As far as what my future consists of I don’t know. Will my love grow? I don’t know. (Just thought I’d add the little beatles quote in here) Right now, in lieu of one pathetic human whose ending in this tale rapidly approaches… I am very happy. While there is a cloud of uncertainty over everything I am doing my best to remain upbeat and positive… sometimes failing. Last night was lame – but I cannot ignore the time we’ve spent because of that instance. Perhaps I am being a bit unrealistic in my desire for such instant results. I can be a bit more patient while I wait for that to finally terminate. In the mean time I will just continue on as we have been, very close. There are a lot of things I have to consider… it will all fall into place soon. We can and likely will leave this place, long before 3 years. I was a bit worried but then my friend Yen saved the day – she thought I should consider this quote even though she doesn’t know the details of the situation. “If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were.” Well, we did that. Five months ago, and now here we are. I love her beyond any words, while I may appear to be foolish to some – I do not care a single bit. The arrogant, cocky, proud and vain will get what they deserve. What goes around comes around. The love you get is equal to the love you make. I have made much more. Regardless, every moment spent together is affirming what I all ready knew. We were made for eachother.

Yet here I am, bravely battling the world of sleep deprivation to bring you all some fascinating insight into the world of Ryan Kenward. Unfortunately, that world is relatively compressed as of late as my attention shifts strictly to one person. I’ve vanished off the face of the earth to some people, nearly on the verge of fading into legend until I went out today and met with some of my good old friends. I’ve missed them and was glad to see them. I was just moving my car because I had decided I would go to Fredonia with some friends when the one who makes me feel butterflies and silly lame things like that called my cellular telephone (because I am a man with the times and talk on my phone more than a girl). We agreed I would go out with my friends tonight and we would rendezvous later on. However, this trip was not extremely productive and quite long in length. Unfortunately I did not arrive home until 2:30 AM and that person had long since fallen asleep. On the way home I nearly nailed a deer going 75… that would have sucked. Thank god for Ryan Kenward-like reflexes or things could have been ugly… Chances are both my car and the deer would have exploded on impact. Neons aren’t good at smashing things… I know, I’ve done it. My poor little 2001 Neon would have been a heap of scrap and that deer would have been a dismembered creature with its entrails and intestines hanging from tree limbs… Yuck. That was the visual that came up in my mind the exact instant I saw the deer before doing some tricky maneuvering to avoid the bastard. While I personally do not enjoy hunting because I hate the cold, and also being in trees in the cold – I hope the hunters kill about 80% of the moronic creatures because they are my only fear while driving. They are like the dumb little kid in class who gets in trouble and ruins it for everyone – any animal that can be hunted should be shot and killed. Too bad we can’t have an open season for ignorant cocky bastard people who are virtually clueless as well (or even if they would just cross the road in front of my car while doing 55+ MPH that wouldn’t be so bad either), but one thing at a time. I went to KFC and it was the shit. I guess that was the good thing about Fredonia. I had some humorous observations I made today as well I was planning on sharing but the ones I remember are too offensive to put here and the others I’ve forgotten so without further delay I am going to sleep. Love you all, with the exception of maybe 4 people.
- Ryan

The past few weeks have been certainly overall an extremely wonderful experience and time, but also on the other hand quite trying. I’ve been reunited with the one person who brings me more happiness and joy than any other person or thing in the world, and that has radiated out of me for the most part. The one problem we face is bastardly in size… I am not sure how or when it can be dealt with… I don’t know if it can be. I spend a lot of nights walking alone in the cold dark smoking a cigar or two pondering this… It certainly haunts me, unquestionably – yet when we’re together and I see her smiling at me and her eyes fixated upon mine everything just seems to click. When I hold her it is as if my soul were singing a sonata or requiem of blissful happiness. The time apart though is brutal… and it’s not a possessive thing as much as the location. Notice how I like to not actually talk about the problem, perhaps that is a problem in and of itself to be addressed at a later time. As stated, it’s trying… and frustrating, and even a bit scary – unfortunately I caved under the pressure a bit last night and lashed out carelessly. What ended horribly yesterday and began today has come to rest. It is amazing what can be accomplished when you can control yourself enough to look upon the situation from a third person perspective. I guarantee though, that the things holding it back are losing their power. The steam is running out, and although perhaps it gains a little back in my carelessness it is only prolonging the inevitable. The universe seems to balance itself according to what it desires, it is obvious that this is it… I don’t know if either would have voluntarily chose this with all of the obstacles we’ve had to overcome yet, we did it. One remains. This is where the vast majority of my focus has been, but I am also realizing that I am feeling a void in my life in my location and career. I don’t have much of a sense of satisfaction. Yes it is nice being at a higher level in one of the world’s largest corporations but at the same time I feel restricted. The concept of my job in and of itself is rather exciting – unquestionably… however, it can be tedious and therefore my mind wanders. Is this what I really want to be doing for the rest of my life? It is far too soon to commit to anything professionally for that long at the age of twenty. I feel my priorities should look something like this.

1.) Obtain the perfect relationship with the one I’ve loved for quite some time now.
2.) Leave this town, never look back.
3.) Find a job where I am completely happy and satisfied… it has to exist.
4.) Be happy.

That is what I want. Perhaps it is foolish, but not to me. Regardless… It won’t be much longer until I’ve completed this list.

Good night,
Ryan

I love you and I’m sorry.

Sept 26th 05 – Infinity.

What really matters?