It’s interesting when the person who made you more miserable than anyone else in the world says you’re sad and they can help when the last thing you want is to even think of them anymore. If there were someway I could wake up tomorrow and forget that existence I would pay an obscene amount of money for it. How fucked up do you need to be to tell someone you hate them, destroy everything they care about, stomp all over their dreams – and then when it is convenient for you go back and try to talk. Even worse is trying to talk and lying when you do talk. I don’t want to be a liar, I don’t want to associate with them, and I don’t want to associate with people who only think of themselves and lose sight of things that actually matter to pursue superficial flings in lieu of my absense. Unfortunately, the nature of my job now is that I will not always be there. It sucks for me just as much, believe me – but somehow those things would have never even been a thought in my mind. I know I made a promise to never leave, but did it even occur to her that I didn’t? She did. I have nothing more to say about that. I couldn’t even bare to hug her after the things she’s done, knowing that some deadbeat and mentally inferior waste of a multicelled organism was with her the way I was.
My head hurts.
Good night.
Oh, and maybe I’m not happy – but maybe that isn’t what I’m here for.
Currently reading The Universe in a Nutshell by Stephen Hawking – a follow up to his book a Brief History of Time. This book is much easier to follow and presents more diagrams and more comprehensible examples.
This is what I look like after soaking my mind up with knowledge.
But I’m still just me at the end of the day, no matter how much I learn – or how much I absorb, or even how much eludes me. I think I might start doing video blogs if I can figure out how to fix the problem that is seemingly inherent in macbooks which creates high pitched noise when using the iSight.
I feel like half of me is dead, it had to be severed like a cancer though. Cold turkey. Though I wish there could have been another way, I did not see one. Decisions were made, I wasn’t in them. Someday it will be an obvious mistake and not one I can sweep under the rug for you. I think about everything frequently, I remember a lot of things in the quiet spaces between thing one and thing two – it isn’t the same anymore. I don’t see you in my dreams, I don’t feel your energy, I don’t feel anything. 4 am… I guess I should try to sleep as I do have a podcast to do tomorrow morning. Good night world.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever feel that happy again, or that comfortable, or that understood or that purposeful. Almost all times I doubt it very much. I’m an alien visiting the world trying to find others like me, but I frequently discover that any like me have come and gone before I was even here or while I was very young. People like me tend to not last very long. Maybe someday I’ll figure out what the hell I’m doing here. Unfortunately, today wasn’t that day. Good night.
