RyanKenward.com
- and now you know!
Jul
20.

What purpose does this website serve? I was asked that a while ago and I didn’t really have a good answer aside from something to do… At first it started as a way of just being fun and crazy and writing random things to try to get my own little piece of the internet pie. Unfortunately, at one point or another – life set in. At that point it became more therapeutic to write in my own forum about whatever is on my mind. Granted, I do still tread softly to avoid getting people mad – nonetheless, it helps sometimes. I’ve used it for a podcast, helping network friends, posting ideas, feelings, thoughts and so on and will continue to do so for likely many more years. Looking back it is somewhat crazy to see where I am and where I was and where I thought I’d be… certainly an unpredictable journey but I guess regret would be foolish as there is no going back. Any how.

I ordered a new iPod today, 30gb black with laser engraving on it. It took me a while to figure out what I wanted but then I decided on lyrics that tend to mirror my thoughts on life in general, “neither side is sacred, no one wants to win.” – words from Verse Chorus Verse, beautifully written by Kurt Cobain. Theres a lot more to the song but yes, it’s true… Everyone is locked in this battle in so many ways but no one is better than anyone else and no one wants to win because its human nature to have conflict. I detest human nature. I need to change genus or something. Well… anyhow, I see people from back home have stopped by. Hello, leave comments or something. Brundrett I’ll see you in school. Anyone else, hello and good night.
- Ryan


I am an American airman.
I am a warrior.
I have answered my nation’s call.

I am an American airman.
My mission is to fly, fight, and win.
I am faithful to a proud heritage,
A tradition of honor,
And a legacy of valor.

I am an American airman,
Guardian of freedom and justice,
My nation’s sword and shield,
Its sentry and avenger.
I defend my country with my life.

I am an American airman:
Wingman, leader, warrior.
I will never leave an airman behind,
I will never falter,
And I will not fail.

Now that I’m a little more, un-inebriated… I guess I can write an actual entry about something. Obviously, the aforementioned is the Airman’s creed. This is what I am bound to for 3 years 5 months more, or longer. I won’t sugar coat this week, it was rough. I had to go before a board of people who began to think I was losing my edge, thankfully – I was given another chance, and even more thankfully the military despite our picking on our brother/sister services – are one big family in the end. Its not something I see everyday but when you’re down and you are unsure of yourself its an amazing thing to be encouraged by your Senior NCOs, Army’s NCOs, and Marine NCOs. It took a hard turn and put me back into the game and put me back in front of the pack like I was in basic – I just need to keep my head in it and keep that creed in mind. Its a hard thing to do, leaving your family, friends and everything you know behind – even for civilians… Take that and multiply it by 3 and thats what it does to us. At anyrate, I am stronger now. With that being said, off I go.

- Ryan


It’s just another ordinary hot July night as just another ordinary twenty something year old young man sits beneath the artificial glow of lights far above him, brooding over the things he’s done and left undone. He sits deeply entranced as one sometimes will when they reach some sort of epiphany or greater level of thought that can only be brought about by such a limited amount of stimuli, in this particular case many come into play. He thinks about his regrets, all the things he did wrong, all the times he’s been inconsiderate, all the times he said the wrong thing, all the times he hurt her and takes it all in as if nursing the wounds to some ferocious boxing match gone horribly awry. He thinks about his sadness and loneliness, the feeling of being over a thousand miles away from home – whatever home is, perhaps nothing more than where she is and how the only thing he could ever dream of or have hopes for would be of that moment it somehow all comes together and he is standing in her presence. He battles his doubt, his crippling doubt – the doubt that he’ll ever see her again.

Two familiar faces walk by as he sits alone, they wonder what he’s doing and why he’s there to which he skillfully and altogether far too mechanically responds with the forced grin and forced tone that nothing in particular is going on, perhaps he’ll meet them later. This answer seems to suffice and again, nothing but the glow of the lights above and the clouded over moon hanging far off in the distance to keep him company.
Memories flicker through the deep recesses of his mind, echoes of laughter and of words – eerie, to say the least – perhaps to some varying degree haunting or tormenting. He can almost feel her in his arms; see her sitting with him staring back into his eyes with the most gorgeous blue eyes to ever come into this world. The nearly audible warm and comforting laughter of himself and of her, together harmoniously, for however long now infinitely looping serving as either constant joyous remembrance or eternal torture – so deafening the noise. A kiss, a hug, a loving smile – as if just moments had passed since those days yet he is consciously and painfully aware of the time now gone as an older reflection of himself blankly stares back from the puddle nearby.
And then there were words. Not hers but his, an infinite roar of syllables crashing into each other in a most anarchic fashion. Spinning in his mind are the words, the chaos, the uncertainty of what to say, and how to say it – when to say it, how to say it. The pendulum swings back and forth and time moves on, yet he still sits… brooding, a broken remembrance of something once much better – as he battles himself to try to find some way to bring it all together.
The mind’s eye still sharp and ever vigilant incapable of seeing any other way, it sees the truth. It sees and he knows everything that he is – and its everything opposite of what she thinks. His heart beats steadily, a comforting pulse speaking proudly with an unconditional infallible love. It aches, and it yearns… there must be some way. Mind, heart and body all in complete synchronization in what they know they need.
Lastly, there’s the void. The dark emptiness that is the source of all of this… that place torn from him when he cast aside his armour to let her in. Voids are rather complex instances of nature, of a bond broken but not lost – held in place by love – a love that does not falter, one that stands steadfast in what it believes. It’s that belief that keeps it all from being sucked into the void itself, causing complete annihilation to another foolish soul. The belief that he can. Furthermore, the knowledge of the fact that he can. He remembers. He loves. He fights. He lives. He dreams. He breathes. He is everything he was, and nothing that he was – rising up, he stands vivified. He holds out an empty hand and she does not appear to take it… no, not a dream – this is reality. She is there and he is here, and there’s over a thousand miles in between. He thinks again of the words she says, that hurt him so much and she doesn’t even see… echoing again – you don,t care about anyone but yourself, I’m not interested in you, I don’t care, I don’t love you.  I don’t want to see you.  Its a pain that would get to anyone but deep inside, beyond it all a faint voice quietly still says I love you, I always have. This above all is gives him strength, by no means is he weak, by no means does he want to be a burden, by no means is he wrong for her. He knows that he was made for her and she was made for him but mistakes were made. In lieu of all that which has come before, he knows there is still hope for as long as the words can be heard faintly in his mind he will never give up. He will see her again, he will make her smile again, he knows who he is and he knows who she thinks he is… he knows in time, all of this will change and he knows he will hear those words again someday. He closes them up and keeps them close to his heart, looking one last time blankly at the moon he turns sharply and heads down a faintly lit corridor, turns into a door and is gone. He’s just an ordinary twenty something year old man with dreams he must fulfill.


Regardless of all of the other things going on with my life, work, projects, friends, future plans… Sometimes it’s best for me to just get some things out in the open and off of my chest rather than let it stew and consume me. What do you do when the person you love more than the air you breathe has turned on you, when you’ve become a victim of the most unlikely circumstances and failed to be as resilient as you know you should have been – forced to deal with equally as unlikely circumstances. Is it wrong to expect people to understand and to have some sort of flexibility when you’ve handed out forgiveness for much larger things? Is saying you’re sorry ever enough? Are the expensive flowers enough? Is accepting the fact that you are culpable for this all when maybe it isn’t really all you, but you take it because you love someone — is that not enough? Typically, I use this site as a forum to showcase other talents but sometimes it comes to this and I apologize and if you do not care then I implore you to look at something else. It’s not a cry for attention; it’s not a cry for sympathy but that of a lack of comprehension despite the capacity of a mind well able to solve some of life’s most difficult situations. I’m certain that everyone at times will have those days where they wish they didn’t get out of bed, where life just seems to be too much – but when it begins to dominate everyday something needs to be done. The nights in bed starring at the ceiling just aren’t enough to calm the storm brewing in my mind… when I look beside me and there’s no one there… Waking up alone, still alive for better or worse but missing half of myself – the infinitely better half that inspires me, drives me onward and gives me hope. When that is lost what is left? A shell, cracked and lusterless washing back and forth on the beach passed by for its imperfections but it wasn’t always so. The hand you long to hold again is long gone, the warm body laying beside you now nothing but a memory of a feeling that you can’t feel and you’re scared to death it will always be so. When you can’t move from step 3 to 7 because 4 through 6 involved being someplace you’re not with someone you’re not doing something you’re not – and there’s that thing burning inside you like it should have never been this way why can’t she remember the better side of things? Those nights spent lying together laughing and smiling, are nothing now than a specter of an intangible place you forgot how to get to. The maps are all incorrect and your compass points south when it should be pointing north. It’s that feeling of being alone in a crowded room that sets you apart and opens your eyes to a world where everything is simplified to it’s most common denominator resulting in a spectrum of grey. There’s nothing to say, there’s everything to say but the problem is where to begin and how to begin? Can we retrace the steps as if it never happened? I guess the question will linger in my mind now until a time my mind can no longer entertain such guests. When it becomes old and slow and finally one day, for no apparent rhyme or reason ceases to go on – without a two weeks notice just walks out of the job and I’ve got to come along. Am I so terrible? Half of what I say means nothing but I say it so that you may hear the other half.


The past few weeks have really began a process of change, for better or worse it has now arrived. Some changes are sad, but unfortunately sometimes that’s how it goes – it was my decision. Everyone has to make decisions; some choose certain paths and no matter how much you love them you just cannot follow them down it. Not everyone has the luxury of having parallel thought processes, in fact – very few people have that at all I believe. Regardless, there are a lot of things I need to focus on… I leave for the Air Force in a month, unfortunately I didn’t get contracted a linguist job… I have the option of waiting for one but that may not come until June and unfortunately I’ve all ready given notice at work and there is no way I’m going to live at my mom’s house until then. So, signals intelligence it is… I’m sure it won’t be so bad. I’ll just work on learning languages in my spare time, as I do now – French and Russian now. Most people would assume it is a mental over load but since the languages are so completely different it’s not so bad. I’m at around 40 some odd pages in my script which I’ve started combing over again and again changing bits, adding, removing – making it all come together. The first draft of course is always a basic out line; I’m saving myself rewrite time by doing it as I go. Formatting is a pain as well, since I’m using Open Office versus M$ Word, which doesn’t have all of the bells and whistles, nor does it have the price tag. So, as of right now… I’m feeling rather uncertain, definitely sad, but at the same time I somehow feel a little better. I think I’ve served my purpose though and am all used up there. For the little vulture that probably reads this compulsively there is still no hope for you. Well, I suppose that is all for today…

- Ryan

“The time has come,” the Walrus said,
“To talk of many things:
Of shoes–and ships–and sealing-wax–
Of cabbages–and kings–
And why the sea is boiling hot–
And whether pigs have wings.”



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