If you die you’re completely happy and your soul somewhere lives on. I’m not afraid of dying. Total peace after death, becoming someone else is the best hope I’ve got.
- Kurt Cobain

Written 2 March 2006

And if this ship goes down I’m riding it to the ocean floor.  I’ll write a novel of the obvious and title it something clever, like the trials and tribulations of life inside your mind.  As the pages turn the words will burn into the back of your eyes and stick with you and haunt you yet; you won’t even realize what they mean or why they are powerful – you’ll just be beat into submission.  The story goes like any other with obvious developments along the way but the subplot is a dark and twisting tale involving a multifaceted layer of emotions and actions.  The hole in the roof is getting bigger and the rain keeps falling on my head as the hour grows late and I’m staring at the walls again.  The perfectly preserved memories crystalized into a tangible manifestation of a time not so far away, just lingering on the tips of your fingers like it had never really left.   Night lost its edge when we walked hand in hand through the intimidating shadows of architectural wonders, those are the nights that will always be with me.

Written 1 March 2006
The Great Gatsby – as I would have written the ending

And so Gatsby and Daisy went off into the world hand in hand.  He remembered the first summer day he saw Daisy’s beautiful face and then the day he fell in love with her.  His dream he had fought so hard to attain had now come true.  He knew that the perilous journey that nearly had destroyed him was now over and well worth the risk.  Gatsby believed in the love he had for her, that filled his heart with joy.  Though we did not see it, he was happiest when he was alone with her and nothing could ever compare – but alas, we know it all now.   So time will pass, and challenges will come and go regardless; the bond that’s been forged no man nor thing could ever undo.

I need to find creativity again.

Two familiar faces walk by as he sits alone, they wonder what he’s doing and why he’s there to which he skillfully and altogether far too mechanically responds with the forced grin and forced tone that nothing in particular is going on, perhaps he’ll meet them later. This answer seems to suffice and again, nothing but the glow of the lights above and the clouded over moon hanging far off in the distance to keep him company.
Memories flicker through the deep recesses of his mind, echoes of laughter and of words – eerie, to say the least – perhaps to some varying degree haunting or tormenting. He can almost feel her in his arms; see her sitting with him staring back into his eyes with the most gorgeous blue eyes to ever come into this world. The nearly audible warm and comforting laughter of himself and of her, together harmoniously, for however long now infinitely looping serving as either constant joyous remembrance or eternal torture – so deafening the noise. A kiss, a hug, a loving smile – as if just moments had passed since those days yet he is consciously and painfully aware of the time now gone as an older reflection of himself blankly stares back from the puddle nearby.
And then there were words. Not hers but his, an infinite roar of syllables crashing into each other in a most anarchic fashion. Spinning in his mind are the words, the chaos, the uncertainty of what to say, and how to say it – when to say it, how to say it. The pendulum swings back and forth and time moves on, yet he still sits… brooding, a broken remembrance of something once much better – as he battles himself to try to find some way to bring it all together.
The mind’s eye still sharp and ever vigilant incapable of seeing any other way, it sees the truth. It sees and he knows everything that he is – and its everything opposite of what she thinks. His heart beats steadily, a comforting pulse speaking proudly with an unconditional infallible love. It aches, and it yearns… there must be some way. Mind, heart and body all in complete synchronization in what they know they need.
Lastly, there’s the void. The dark emptiness that is the source of all of this… that place torn from him when he cast aside his armour to let her in. Voids are rather complex instances of nature, of a bond broken but not lost – held in place by love – a love that does not falter, one that stands steadfast in what it believes. It’s that belief that keeps it all from being sucked into the void itself, causing complete annihilation to another foolish soul. The belief that he can. Furthermore, the knowledge of the fact that he can. He remembers. He loves. He fights. He lives. He dreams. He breathes. He is everything he was, and nothing that he was – rising up, he stands vivified. He holds out an empty hand and she does not appear to take it… no, not a dream – this is reality. She is there and he is here, and there’s over a thousand miles in between. He thinks again of the words she says, that hurt him so much and she doesn’t even see… echoing again – you don,t care about anyone but yourself, I’m not interested in you, I don’t care, I don’t love you.  I don’t want to see you.  Its a pain that would get to anyone but deep inside, beyond it all a faint voice quietly still says I love you, I always have. This above all is gives him strength, by no means is he weak, by no means does he want to be a burden, by no means is he wrong for her. He knows that he was made for her and she was made for him but mistakes were made. In lieu of all that which has come before, he knows there is still hope for as long as the words can be heard faintly in his mind he will never give up. He will see her again, he will make her smile again, he knows who he is and he knows who she thinks he is… he knows in time, all of this will change and he knows he will hear those words again someday. He closes them up and keeps them close to his heart, looking one last time blankly at the moon he turns sharply and heads down a faintly lit corridor, turns into a door and is gone. He’s just an ordinary twenty something year old man with dreams he must fulfill.

Hold up… hold on… don’t be scared
You’ll never change what’s been and gone
May your smile… Shine on… Don’t be scared
Your destiny may keep you warm.

Because all of the stars are fading away
Just try not to worry you’ll see them some day
Take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Get up… Come on… why you scared
You’ll never change what’s been and gone

Life is an unpredictable, uncontrollable force that will at times chew you up and spit you out and at other times build you up and place you on a mantle for you to shine while others see you. I’ve been to both ends and back, now I’m somewhere in between. I just want to live life, whatever happens is fine with me. Whether the sky falls or not, I will always be me. Why should I let stress and other’s delusions dictate how I live? I should not. So, I shall not. A burden on my life has been lifted. Have a good day everyone.

- Ryan

(something I wrote)
There are those nights where you just can’t sleep
When you wake up and you want nothing more than to weep
Those moments in silence where you slowly rise to your feet
Turning to the door, leaving, headed down the street
The silence tears you apart and breaks your heart
If there is a rest of my life, how do I start?
Thinking over the question carefully deep in thought
You wish instead of fleeing you would have fought
You’re hurt and you’re ready to surrender and leave
Staring blankly showing, there’s nothing up your sleeve
You’re out of ideas, out of inspiration, out of reason
And you’re feeling guilty as if you’ve committed treason
Walking down the rail road tracks of life with a sigh
Milkweed seed wishes from when you were a kid came here to die

Just then, when all hope seems lost the sun rises again
Then there is the startling realization today has only began
Peace of mind comes in the breeze blowing through your hair
You realize, in fact – you’re not the only one who will care

I’ve seen the evil grins and wicked crooked sneers
I’ve witnessed even the best believe what he or she hears
For goodness sake, I’ve seen the lies make tears
And I’ve seen them all manipulate fears
Tomorrow Will Be Different

I once loved a girl, beautiful and smart
The lie she fed me – her best work of art
I’ve nearly fallen victim to a broken heart
But whatever ends; something new must start
Tomorrow Will Be Different

I’ve seen the ignorant proud and fair
Hoping and praying the whole world will stare
Envious of what they got, but in truth no one will care
Liars lie to Liars, a piece of deception pie to share
Tomorrow Will Be Different

So who will be the one to take a stand
Who will lead them all to dry land
Who will be the one to lend a hand
Who will will lead the broken down band
Yes, Tomorrow Will Be Different

I will not be the one to hire
For that’s a job I have no desire
My part is small, just to inspire
I will be the one to light the fire
Tomorrow Will Be Different

So what if its you, can you feel your heart pound
If you listen to silence do you hear a sound
Are your feet firmly planted on the ground
And you know the earth is round
You Will Be Why Tomorrow Is Different

The chaotic cluster of continuous looping thoughts, constantly and consistently destroys me in my sleep.

Waking without you was one thing I never wanted to do. The empty spot where you laid hurts more than being shot.

It dawned on him just how small he really was as he gazed upwards at the man made marvels glistening in the sky. The darkness could not seem to find its place in the mass of lights and billboards, so it settled just above the bright glow of the skyline. The night air was warm and damp, nothing that he had been exposed to before at this time of the year. Walking with no destination in a city that seemingly never ends he felt alone. The streets were empty and the doors were locked and it seemed that the city slept as he quietly krept along the concrete paths. In his lonely and solitary walk he decided he wanted to talk, so he called her and she was far away. He said oh dear, you listen here – you should be walking along with me / you’ve made some decisions don’t you see that this is where you should be. Making his way down historical trails, walked by the rich and the poor and now finally him he knew where he belonged. Finding his way back under the ground into the man made mechanical worm that tunnels its way all over the city and stops only for its contents to surface he climbed in and sighed. Clicking and clanking and weaving and speeding he found his stop after several had gone by. Out of his new artificial friend and again into the bright night sky. Sleep came and he was lonely, he wanted nothing more than to be with her. All through the night he was wrestles – and so a few hours he slept no more and no less, then the sun came again to his distress. Gathering his tired mass and finding his way to the door he was amazed to see the place in full light. The foggy smog of exhaust and cold morning air lingered above hazing over the buildings elegantly making them difficult to see. Off to explore just a little bit more, but soon he’d be coming back to her. He decided he had seen enough of all of this stuff and got into his car and headed out for home. The road was long and winding but he made his way forward. And then he was home and for a minute he felt alone until she walked in wearing a grin his spirits lifted and he was now happy. I’ve missed you so, said the boy to the one. And I’ve missed you replied her as well. He held her close and was happy and told her of the journey he had. All the puzzle pieces began to come together, as they too found happiness in each other.

(Another older one)