So here’s what I’ve learned.  Working 12 hours = lots of sleeping.  If you sleep all day when you’re not at work and you’re tired on your days off you will not eat Burger King or Taco Bell or (-insert other fast food restaurant-) – which equals losing weight.  You only need 1 meal a day anyway because you’re not awake long enough to need more food than that.  This schedule sucks.

My head hurts, my stomach aches, I hate my job and I have to go to it soon… 12 hours of work.  3 months to go…  Today is a lot different than I thought it would have been several months ago :-/

As my time in the service begins to dwindle down, I find myself thinking a lot about the future… Frankly because the past and present kind of suck and really are not relevant.  I’m having a hard time trying to figure out exactly what it is I want to do.  I have so many hobbies and I’m at least fairly decent at all of them… so that makes my decision harder.  I may be one of those guys who has multiple degrees and doesn’t use them.  I definitely want to study film, being a director is basically my dream job.  Well director/actor/screen writer… I want to do it all.  I’m also really fascinated by a lot of other things though… Astronomy, physics, technology.  I want to do it all.  I probably won’t make it past 27 but if I do I may as well live forever to do all of these things.  I don’t really even know where I want to go yet… I’ve been looking at places and planning.  Part of me just wants to say fuck it and continue on my original plan (though missing one aspect) and live in some remote beautiful part of New Zealand and vanish from society.  That sounds very tempting to me…

Against all of my sense of reason and logic I decided to at least open myself up for talk after being very closed off – go figure, it was just an ego trip likely to see if she could get me to crack and talk… well done.  These games have gone on far too long.  What would her worthless replacement for me think about this whole mess? Fuck it. My stomach feels like its on fire, I haven’t had this feeling in several years.  I guess I’m not good enough to be happy.

IMG_1603, originally uploaded by ryankenward.

First guy to ever be allowed to get on stage and play outside of the bar staff.