So far this week has been rather slow. Sunday night I went and saw the new Bond movie with (person whose name does not like to be mentioned in a digital media form) – which was pretty good. It wasn’t the best movie ever but she seemed to enjoy it, which is good. All it did was make me really want a cool Sony Ericsson phone but Verizon is the devil and won’t let me get one the coolest I could do is the LG Chocolate. Sigh. I used to have Cingular until they screwed me over. Oh well… I also used to have a sweet Sony Ericsson. Now I have a dumb Motorola that crashes on me all the time. I bought it for the 1 MP camera phone and videophone but it wasn’t really worth it in hindsight. I’ve been getting in shape again, my abs are starting to take form again and my endurance is going back up. I’ve been running down the canal and doing super long ab work out things and lots of push-ups. I also stopped eating fast food, and eating less in general which seems to help even though I have the highest metabolism in the world. I drink more tea and water than pop which probably will also help. I have that super tense rubber band feeling all over my body like the beginning of track season in high school so I know I am on track. I’ve got a stomachache now because I’m hungry but my stomach can shut up because I’m not feeding it right now. Stupid stomach. Well… I guess that’s all for now.

- Ryan

I woke up and was in a bit of a bad mood so I went for I walked, as I walked the mood passed and now I feel wonderful. Today will be a fantastic day. It is everything I could have asked for. It is a beautiful day, I’ve found a renewed feeling of energy to carry on and be okay. Things can be twisted depending on perspectives, if it important for me to remember this and all people as well. Each person has their own sense of truth – however, this does not make it truth. If I feel I am the luckiest man alive, and to me that is my truth – then I am delusional, clearly I am not that lucky. I live in a small apartment, do not have substantial money, and have a lot of things that need to be ironed out in my life. The point is, it takes a much bigger and wiser person to be above it all and sort fact from fiction, reality from delusions – I’ve found my balance. I have peace now. I have been listening to Oasis as I’ve been writing this, stop crying your heart out – it is a great song. Here are the lyrics.

Hold up… hold on… don’t be scared
You’ll never change what’s been and gone
May your smile… Shine on… Don’t be scared
Your destiny may keep you warm.

Because all of the stars are fading away
Just try not to worry you’ll see them some day
Take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Get up… Come on… why you scared
You’ll never change what’s been and gone

Life is an unpredictable, uncontrollable force that will at times chew you up and spit you out and at other times build you up and place you on a mantle for you to shine while others see you. I’ve been to both ends and back, now I’m somewhere in between. I just want to live life, whatever happens is fine with me. Whether the sky falls or not, I will always be me. Why should I let stress and other’s delusions dictate how I live? I should not. So, I shall not. A burden on my life has been lifted. Have a good day everyone.

- Ryan

(something I wrote)
There are those nights where you just can’t sleep
When you wake up and you want nothing more than to weep
Those moments in silence where you slowly rise to your feet
Turning to the door, leaving, headed down the street
The silence tears you apart and breaks your heart
If there is a rest of my life, how do I start?
Thinking over the question carefully deep in thought
You wish instead of fleeing you would have fought
You’re hurt and you’re ready to surrender and leave
Staring blankly showing, there’s nothing up your sleeve
You’re out of ideas, out of inspiration, out of reason
And you’re feeling guilty as if you’ve committed treason
Walking down the rail road tracks of life with a sigh
Milkweed seed wishes from when you were a kid came here to die

Just then, when all hope seems lost the sun rises again
Then there is the startling realization today has only began
Peace of mind comes in the breeze blowing through your hair
You realize, in fact – you’re not the only one who will care

Well, the world is more likely to explode than my family be efficient. Off I go again to my mom’s house for another thanksgiving dinner because we cannot combine my mom’s family and step dad’s family into one meal. It’s silly but what are you going to do. I need to go to the doctor’s today to get a medical release for the Air Force and then back to MEPS on Monday or Tuesday to be sworn in. I have a stomach ache, I was going to not eat but perhaps I will go make some eggs and toast or something. So I got this stupid ESPN catalogue in the mail and have no idea why, I mean… I really only use the internet for porn and ryankenward.com – I don’t remember any ESPN porn sites… (kidding for those who won’t catch on). Yuck, I’ve become a morning person… this is awful, I hate getting up and having it be so bleak outside. I miss waking up at noon with the sun on my face and going into work around 1-2. Now I get up at 6 AM (even on my days off now habitually but go back to sleep kind of) and go to bed at 11:00 or so. I’m lame. This is what happens when you work a job with a normal shift, although mine is slightly longer than most I’m a 7:30 – 5:30 guy which means a lot of over time and more money but also means less time to do things. Of course what do I actually do besides sit around anyhow… Oh well. That’s all for now.

- Ryan

Great men, like great epochs, are explosive material in whom tremendous energy has been accumulated; their prerequisite has always been, historically and physiologically, that a protracted assembling, accumulating, economizing and preserving has preceded them – that there has been no explosion for a long time. If the tension in the mass has grown too great the merest accidental stimulus suffices to call the ‘genius’, the ‘deed’, the great destiny, into the world. – Friedrich Nietzsche

This was a page I merely opened randomly and my eyes instantly were drawn to the words – I can relate to this volatile tendency. However, volatile doesn’t necessarily equal bad. It is a fragile idea I carry, a seedling week and vulnerable – however, if allowed to grow will root firmly into the ground and it can then stand against the ages. I identify with the timing issue as well, I’ve come at a time when the mundane, lack of potential and hopeless outlook firmly held the situation. Anyway… I could carry on longer into my thoughts of this however I will leave it for now.

I slept pretty light last night as usual. I spoke with my dummy in the 3 AM range but I was pretty hazy so I am not really too sure when that was. Then I faintly slept until around 8 AM, got up showered, relaxed a bit and headed out to my mom’s. Thanksgiving was at my grandma’s which is next door as my mom and step dad decided to built next door to them in 2000. It was really good, and was very upbeat and happy. My mind was half on where I was, and half on my dummy as it usually is. I decided to leave early and make it in time to eat with my dad and that part of my family, I was actually looking forward to it but – so much for that. My little brother was talking about how he wanted a PSP for Christmas, me being logical and thinking I was doing my dad a favour was like “oh you don’t want that” since it is expensive and not durable at all “you should get a DS like you’ve wanted”. My brother has wanted a Nintendo DS for the past year and then he saw a PSP commercial and changed his mind – that is obviously what commercials do to kids, doesn’t make it the best choice. I told my dad the PSP wasn’t really a system designed with a seven year old in mind and the titles aren’t that great. If he would have read more than one capitalist site merely trying to pawn the things off to make a buck and read some honest reviews he would have seen I was right – I wasn’t trying to argue at all, I just honestly believed (and would bet money) my brother would have been happier with the DS, my dad would have spent less money, and it would have lasted much longer. It was logical to me, but this started an entire fiasco which lead to me walking out. I try my best to get along with him, especially over the past few months I’ve really tried. He thinks he always is right and I’m a stuck up young guy who can’t listen to authority, obviously if that was the case I would not be getting promoted and have the jobs and abilities I’ve had. Sigh. It sucks it had to happen today. I don’t know if I will go back anymore. I’m just patiently sitting around now trying to put it out of my mind and think of my beautiful and beloved friend whom I will likely see tonight and that will put all of this mess out of my mind and out of sight. She has this way of taking all of my worries and negative feelings and melting them just by smiling at me. I am thankful for her above all things. We may argue from time to time over little things, and we may sometimes drive each other crazy but everything always ends up well. Ah, life goes on. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

- Ryan