I am nothing more than a shadow, nothing less than alien and nothing more than human.  I’m at times a nihilistic jerk, and other times a compassionate selfless being who would sacrifice anything and everything for practically any other human who wasn’t me.  Sometimes I think why bother.  I speak in such ways that I’m likely to be criticized as some self indulgent prick who cares more about himself than others, but the reality of the matter is that this could be no further from the truth.  Money, material, status – none of these things mean anything to me when I collapse alone after another bout with insomnia and finally give in to exhaustion.  I want to change the world, and I want to be far away from the world.  The most beautiful things are creation and destruction.  I find it hard to communicate, it is frustrating and people will only think less of me so I tend to avoid it all.  I am a truly a martian, for some odd reason or another I was forced to come here.  I want to create beauty and give as much of it to the world as possible and then when the world stops looking, simply step out and go back off into outer space to wherever I came from.  People will absolutely misunderstand my meaning by this but what else is new.  I doubt I’ve ever been this open publically or ever will be again for that matter.  Take what you can, leave the rest.

I am so uninspired, blah…   I just cannot seem to spark any creativity in me anymore.  It is frustrating but all at the same time I just don’t care.  I guess I am just discontented with how much disarray my life has had the kindness of snowballing into.  There are eight hundred forty six possibly variations that could have taken place to avoid this present state.  None of them were really that possible anyway.  While some good things do shine in my life, they’re far too far away.  There must be some solution.  If only my brain would work as well as it used to.

To be great is to be misunderstood.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you die you’re completely happy and your soul somewhere lives on. I’m not afraid of dying. Total peace after death, becoming someone else is the best hope I’ve got.
- Kurt Cobain

Written 2 March 2006

And if this ship goes down I’m riding it to the ocean floor.  I’ll write a novel of the obvious and title it something clever, like the trials and tribulations of life inside your mind.  As the pages turn the words will burn into the back of your eyes and stick with you and haunt you yet; you won’t even realize what they mean or why they are powerful – you’ll just be beat into submission.  The story goes like any other with obvious developments along the way but the subplot is a dark and twisting tale involving a multifaceted layer of emotions and actions.  The hole in the roof is getting bigger and the rain keeps falling on my head as the hour grows late and I’m staring at the walls again.  The perfectly preserved memories crystalized into a tangible manifestation of a time not so far away, just lingering on the tips of your fingers like it had never really left.   Night lost its edge when we walked hand in hand through the intimidating shadows of architectural wonders, those are the nights that will always be with me.

Written 1 March 2006
The Great Gatsby – as I would have written the ending

And so Gatsby and Daisy went off into the world hand in hand.  He remembered the first summer day he saw Daisy’s beautiful face and then the day he fell in love with her.  His dream he had fought so hard to attain had now come true.  He knew that the perilous journey that nearly had destroyed him was now over and well worth the risk.  Gatsby believed in the love he had for her, that filled his heart with joy.  Though we did not see it, he was happiest when he was alone with her and nothing could ever compare – but alas, we know it all now.   So time will pass, and challenges will come and go regardless; the bond that’s been forged no man nor thing could ever undo.

I need to find creativity again.

RAM upgrade, originally uploaded by ryankenward.

wishing wendys was in korea, originally uploaded by ryankenward.

this and several other exciting photographs from mudfest 2008 now available on my flickr page.  (I’d rather go gray than bald)