So here’s what I’ve learned.  Working 12 hours = lots of sleeping.  If you sleep all day when you’re not at work and you’re tired on your days off you will not eat Burger King or Taco Bell or (-insert other fast food restaurant-) – which equals losing weight.  You only need 1 meal a day anyway because you’re not awake long enough to need more food than that.  This schedule sucks.

My head hurts, my stomach aches, I hate my job and I have to go to it soon… 12 hours of work.  3 months to go…  Today is a lot different than I thought it would have been several months ago :-/

As my time in the service begins to dwindle down, I find myself thinking a lot about the future… Frankly because the past and present kind of suck and really are not relevant.  I’m having a hard time trying to figure out exactly what it is I want to do.  I have so many hobbies and I’m at least fairly decent at all of them… so that makes my decision harder.  I may be one of those guys who has multiple degrees and doesn’t use them.  I definitely want to study film, being a director is basically my dream job.  Well director/actor/screen writer… I want to do it all.  I’m also really fascinated by a lot of other things though… Astronomy, physics, technology.  I want to do it all.  I probably won’t make it past 27 but if I do I may as well live forever to do all of these things.  I don’t really even know where I want to go yet… I’ve been looking at places and planning.  Part of me just wants to say fuck it and continue on my original plan (though missing one aspect) and live in some remote beautiful part of New Zealand and vanish from society.  That sounds very tempting to me…

I’m convinced that either the world is crazy or I am, and considering I’m the only one that I cannot categorize into the world I guess its me.  I have never felt less inspired, less ambitious, less happy, less free in any part of my life.  Apparently the late David Foster Wallace and I seem to share the same feelings “lonely on a level that cannot be conveyed … Everything is part of the problem, and there is no solution. It is a hell for one.” – once again, further pressing on the fact that anyone like me has all ready come and gone.  I write freely here because I can.  I write without fear of what people will think or say, because frankly either way – I don’t care.  This site serves as a public archive of my thoughts and feelings, and while to assume that I am like an ice berg is extremely accurate – I will never feel comfortable in showing everything… Frankly, I don’t owe it to anyone.  Those who I think deserve to know these things do know, or will know.  I do what I can just to make the days go by.  Everything I ever trust breaks my trust, and anything I ever believe in lets me down – which results in the final and probably one of the most harshest and honest statements I’ve ever publically put out.  I do not completely trust anyone, nor do I believe in much of anything at all.  The few things I still manage to have some beliefs in I will keep to myself as most of them are very cynical.  I’ll try to appease my visitors more in future posts, if anyone is left.